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May 16, 2018

Finding Beauty

Well, hello there, my dear friends.  Been a while.  Holy crap, been too long.

So, what’s going on?  Project life has taken over these past few months, and I have to admit it was one of the most rewarding and heartbreaking periods of my life.  When I begin a project, it swallows me whole, body and Soul, it gives me life, it breaks me.  I can’t even begin to explain what the On Being Woman project has been like so far - to all the women who have participated, my most sincere thanks.  I am in awe of the trust, the willingness to open up, the honesty and love brought into my studio by each and every one of these beautiful creatures.  I will expand on it when I’m ready to reveal the project, but right now I’m deep in editing, and healing.  I took on a lot, I knew I would find myself discovering something I needed to find, and I did.  I finally saw me, the real me, reflected in all these courageous women who experienced this project with me… I can’t wait to reveal it.

During these months, I have also traveled some, and reconnected with many friends.  Friendships I’ve had for decades.  I spent some time healing a broken heart in the desert, on one of my very best friends’ ranch, and in receiving so much love and care, I was able to find beauty all around me, even within me.  Coming out of depression is not easy, you have to make so many amends for your behavior sometimes, knowing that the pain you felt was felt by those close to you as well.  That’s the worst part.  That’s what isolates you the most, what makes you think you are a person who doesn’t deserve so much love.  Being on the other side of things today, I am able to see the strength it took to get here, whether it came from me or everyone who stuck it out with me.  It sucked.  It was heartbreakingly beautiful.  It was understanding Life and Love.  It is still ongoing.  It will always be.  

Love doesn’t make sense at times, ever.  But it starts with finding it within ourselves first.  I lost it there for a while.  For months.  I didn’t even see the signs, but hearing the pain in the voice of the person I loved the most broke me.  I saw what depression did.  Hurricane level devastation.  My body took the brunt of it all, reaching a frail level of skinny that reflected my wanting to no longer be seen.  I wanted to disappear just like he did.  I blamed ulcerative colitis, but did nothing to stop it.  To fix it, to heal.  I actually went out to eat, I might have had a drink to two, and caused even more damage.  I didn’t care.  And then I saw the care in my friends’ eyes, the love that they put into making me juice, giving me nutrition.  Life.  And everything changed.  How do you even begin to find beauty in that mess?  You do, because it’s still there.  That’s the point, live as best as you can, with the knowledge you have today.  Be healthy, as healthy as you can be in this moment.  And carrying with you guilt for actions you took with a broken mind, well.. that is something you need to let go.  Just know the people on your Path will still be there, lovingly extending a hand, sitting with you for a warm cup of tea, which warms the Soul as well as the body.  It’s amazing the beauty and love you find on the other side.  Just hold on… And find the Beauty that surrounds you, the hugs that receive you, the smiles of people genuinely happy to see you.  They’re still there.

Here’s one of the projects I did for the City and County of Denver, documenting the murals commissioned throughout the city.  How much Beauty and talent.  They makes me smile.  I hope you'll drive by them and smile too, because it's the Universe's way of letting you know, you are surrounded by it all.  

Be here.  Be well.
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