Why?

I am at a loss for words today.  On March 22, 2021, my beautiful Boulder community suffered an unimaginable tragedy.  Watching this unfold in my backyard felt so overwhelming, I went numb.  I saw the worst of humanity, in this senseless act of violence, but also in the frenzy that ensued in the media to be the "first" to cover the news. Tragic in all senses.  

I spent yesterday trying to gather my thoughts.  My first instinct as a photojournalist was to run towards the unfolding news, but yet again, this was happening in my community.  I stopped.  I cried.  I didn't know what else to do.  There is something inside of me that blocks me still from understanding the full extent on my feelings.

I was afraid to break, but also afraid I no longer can.  This is not the first time a mass shooting happened in my community and I had to build some sort of protection to not fall apart.  But that wall is so high now, nothing can get in, but nothing can get out.  I no longer know what's appropriate when responding to trauma, to pain and suffering.  I'm scared of feeling like a vulture, exploiting the feelings of all the people who are suffering - but I am in pain as well.  I want to showcase Beauty in my photography, always, and I thought I would be incapable of doing so in this tragic circumstance.  I usually stay away from collective displays of grief, I always have, and I never want to take advantage of someone's pain.  

It is my intention with these photographs to bring dignity to our loss.  I can't imagine the pain of these families... I feel like the only thing I can do is my job, with the care and love in my heart that will bring to light the best of humanity, the care, the love, the sense of a community that is deep in grief, yet willing to embrace one another in it all.  

Today, one of the King Soopers employees that I used to see at the store all the time gave me a hug.  A deep, heartfelt hug.  And I cried in her arms like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I put a white tulip on the fence, I said a prayer, I hugged a comfort dog. 

I did my job.  I am #BoulderStrong.