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May 05, 2020

A Life on Hold

Hi - I'm back - I am sure during the past couple of months your life has been turned upside down.  Mine has been in that state for over a year.  I guess it was practice for these insane few months the world has experienced.  

After my last entry, I pretty much abandoned the blog.  I, quite frankly, didn't want to just write about what photos I had taken, my professional life, any success, because my personal life was falling into chaos.  I couldn't separate the two.  

After I came back from tour, I knew something was wrong - after doctors, tests and facing yet another round of depression, I decided to put my big girl pants on and face it head on - right after my birthday, I had surgery to remove a tumor, and the recovery time was... a bitch.  I couldn't have done it without the help of my amazing roommate, but the physical struggle was nothing compared to the mental one.  I put my whole life on hold - no socializing, no traveling, all my energy went into the minimal work I could do.  Health was my number one focus, but taking on some enormous projects was required to pay the bills.  One step forward, two steps back.  

Fast forward a few months, I got the all clear, sorta, to go back on tour.  It was AMAZING and everything I have missed about my life, but I truly felt like I was going to be back in no time.  But my body had other plans - I contracted for a couple of major gigs, and around middle of February things took a turn - I have never been that sick before.  With what is going on in the world today, I thought for sure it must have been "it" - nope.  Tested negative, twice.  My doctor is a rockstar in her own right, and is keeping me on a regiment now, and finally I'm feeling like there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  I'm feeling better, thanks to her care. 

I haven't been out of the house in two months, except for going to the doctor and get tested.  I hadn't been out most of Summer/Fall the year before.  I just disappeared and kept quiet.  I am like that, until there is something good to report, I just don't go out of my way to seek superficial conversation about the weather or whatever.  I'd rather keep quiet.  

So, dear reader, are you living my life now?  Are you at the point where you can't see a normal future?  Then I might be able to help a little - don't go there.  Nobody knows what the future holds, no experts, no doctors, no statisticians - all you have is this moment.  Are you breathing?  Are you with someone you love?  Because that's what counts right now.  Returning to the present moment, constantly, kept me sane for a year.  Meditating, connecting in deep, meaningful ways, being helpful to others, and keeping quiet, observing... 

I am revisiting the good moments, the days I worked as hard as I could to make people feel the joy I felt with a camera in my hands.  My work is gone, for now, but I hope one day soon I will be in the middle of 10,000 of my closest friends again, taking pictures to the rhythm of my favorite music, smiling big from ear to ear.  Or sitting in a room with my commercial clients, coming up with strategies for a visual representation of all the good they are doing in the world.  Or being able to bring forth another project, and benefit my community.  It's going to happen.  Just on hold right now.  

So, I have decided to revisit the blog, and post photos of work I did during the past year, work I am proud of, people who bring out the best in me, photos that are meaningful to me.  Stay tuned for the next blog entry, it's a work in progress and I hope it brings you joy.  


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